123: Jealousy at Holiday Gatherings After Baby Loss

If you’ve ever sat in a room full of babies and felt invisible, jealous, or furious that everyone else seems to have what you lost, this episode is for you. I’m sharing real, raw stories from my own life and from my clients about what it's like to be surrounded by baby joy while you're carrying baby grief—especially around the holidays.

I want to help you navigate these family gatherings without feeling like you're unraveling. You’ll learn how to name your feelings, protect your heart, set boundaries, and stop apologizing for being human. Because the truth is, jealousy isn’t a flaw. It’s a part of grief. And you deserve to feel what you feel—without shame.

What You’ll Learn in This Episode:

• Why jealousy, resentment, and anger are normal parts of grief
• What it really feels like to be triggered by other people’s babies
• A story that still stings me 26 years later
• How to protect your energy during family gatherings
• What to say when you just can’t show up
• The truth about bitterness, boundaries, and being kind to yourself
• A gentle way to talk yourself off the ledge when the emotions hit hard
• How to hold space for joy and grief at the same time

Resources Mentioned: Sign up for my free workshop: Practical Ways to Release Guilt and Navigate Grief After Pregnancy Loss
https://navigatingbabyloss.com/workshop

https://navigatingbabyloss.com/workshop

Free workshop for moms grieving stillbirth or pregnancy loss. Learn simple, trauma-informed practices to release guilt, calm the what-ifs, and honor your baby's memory with love instead of pain. Includes bonus Grief & Guilt Release Journal.

Download my FREE "Guilt and Grief Release Journal" at navigatingbabyloss.com/journal

WHERE TO FIND AND FOLLOW ME!

• Website-  https://www.jennifersenn.com
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• Instagram-https://www.instagram.com/navigatingbabyloss/
• You Tube-https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCz-2MCEY5PRiF6p6VB_2lxA

Transcript

If you have been dreading family gatherings, because everyone else seems to have the thing that you lost, that you wanted so much, this episode is for you. I had a client the other day who was telling me about last Christmas, which was her first year after she lost her baby. She sat at her sister-in-law's house and everyone passed around.

Her sister-in-law's new baby. You know, the old pass around and they talked about her pregnancy and her delivery and how she wasn't sleeping, and all of the things that were so painful. To my client, and she really just was traumatized by this experience because it made her feel completely invisible. It affected her relationships with those people, obviously, and it just was, there were so many things about that experience that set her back in her grief and, um.

I, I really would love to talk to you about today so that if this is something that might be coming up for you this holiday season, um, that it would be something that you can take charge of and minimize your exposure, your pain, and handle it in a much, much kinder way to yourself. So. Um, a lot of these feelings are really, when you're in a situation like that, a lot of the feelings that come up are very uncomfortable.

They're jealousy, resentment, anger and guilt. They're all there. They're all there, and they're really not great feelings. They're very uncomfortable because we love people and we love their babies. But how do we do this so that you are able to handle a situation like this? You're able to handle seeing someone else with their baby during the holidays without losing yourself and bitterness, or even shame for having a lot of these feelings.

Seeing babies isn't just a reminder of what you lost. It's a reminder of what you'll never. Get to have with this specific child. And I think it's important to remember because you'll see babies. You'll see babies in your lifetime. You'll see them next week, you'll see them today maybe. And it's not anything about the feeling of that specific baby, it's just that reminder.

Of, oh yeah, that baby's about the age my baby is, and I'll never get to have that. And that's the really painful part about being, having these visual reminders. The holidays amplify this because the family gatherings are sometimes large and extensive, and it will. More, most likely, um, force you to experience some triggers that you might normally be avoiding.

Sometimes in these situations, they're right, they're all right front and center, all in 1 room. So your brain is just really wired and notice what's missing and

it's just not that extra layer of guilt, of feeling like, ah, I should be happy for them, but all I feel is my own pain. It really makes you feel this feeling of selfishness and ungratefulness, which is so uncomfortable, but it comparison. Especially in social gatherings can really intensify your grief, especially when you are in a season of loss.

And I like to think that. We get, we get very wrapped up in our own grief, but grief is as a stillbirth mom or a mom who's lost a baby. But grief is really universal in this way too. I, I believe that a woman who just lost her husband at 50 years feels really angry and jealous and resentful. Of the her sister who's standing there with her husband of 40 years, in that moment, she's really missing what she will no longer get to have. So I think it's a common feeling for grievers, but it's so uncomfortable and it doesn't make you a bad person if you do feel that way. This is, it's a human experience while you're carrying an impossible loss.

I went to my husband's Christmas party where his coworker was newly pregnant with twins. The thing I wanted so badly. And I was six weeks away from, and she was joking about how she became pregnant accidentally because it happened on a casual date to put it nicely. It was really, I struggled hard with that for years because I would come face to face with this woman in certain situations periodically, where throughout the years she would have these twins.

And the twins and the twins, and I knew they were very close to the age mine would've been. So there was always that extra layer, but. Resent resentment, anger. In fact, it reminds me of something too. My mother-in-law just, we have a, a family friend who just had, their daughter just had twins, and my mother-in-law said.

Oh, I just talked to so and so and she said that twins are doing excellent, and here I sit. I'm telling you, sitting here, 26 years later, that I am thrilled that these twins are doing excellent. I prayed really hard for them the whole time she was pregnant.

I would want nothing else, but it still pissed me off because I don't get to have my twins, but she does. So there's that. There is that thought. Why does everyone else get their babies and not me? Am I being punished for something? What did I do so wrong? Will I ever stop feeling this way? I, I'm afraid to say no, because I literally had that exact same thought last week, but I also know how to talk myself out of it now.

And, and it really is such an uncomfortable feeling, but it's normal. What I know is it's normal and, um, it's, it's a really, it's a tough one to get through. Many,

a lot of moms that I work with avoid going to family events. Completely to protect themselves. And it's fine. You get to do that. You get to make that choice. And so,

because

a lot of moms I work with avoid social events, family events, just for this reason, because you might see that. Pregnant woman at Target and get really angry with her, or you're really furious about your friend's birth announcement. 'cause she didn't tell you first in private, even though she was really struggling with the same thing.

There was no right or wrong about it, but all of these are just signs that you're still grieving, that you're really grieving and it, there's nothing wrong with you. These are all really, really normal. So I want you to, I want you to get to the point where you can validate your feelings without judgment.

So just like the example I just gave about our family friend, uh. I instantly felt that pissed off feeling, but then I, I could reel it back in a minute and just be like, of course not. Of course, I'm thrilled for them. I wanted them to be healthy. I'm thrilled that they're doing excellent, and so just not judging myself for how I was feeling, even though it surprises me sometimes, even now.

Jealousy isn't a character flaw, it's just grief. It's just normal grief, and instead of pushing it down, just just feel it like, well, there it is. There's the grief, there's the jealousy. And I know it's normal to feel that way, even if it doesn't feel good.

That's what I tell myself. I know it's okay for me to feel this way even though it feels awful. And creating a plan for when you go to these family gatherings, if there are gonna be babies there, you probably know. So maybe you've already made that decision. Maybe you've already figured that out. What you're gonna do, how you're gonna handle that.

Skip it if you need to. You can skip all of the baby showers. You can skip the pregnancy announcements, the gender reveals. You get to choose that until it. It feels like it'll be okay and it might take a while for you to get to that point where you can talk yourself back down off the ledge. That's something I do all the time with the moms I work with.

It's really because we can't change the world around us, but we do talk ourselves off the ledge a lot. So something you could say if you didn't want to attend something is. I love you and I'm happy for your family, but I'm really not in a place that I am able to be around babies yet. So I hope you can understand.

I mean, if someone doesn't understand that they're, they're not your people, um, as usual, I always recommend having a plan no matter what. This is something I teach in the Stillbirth Roadmap Course is. Um, I have like a detailed plan of how you can make this happen so that you can get outta there if you need to.

Who's gonna get you out of there? What are you gonna say? Have it all planned beforehand, because that's the way to navigate your triggers is to not get, not get caught by surprise. It doesn't mean it won't happen, but the better, the more prepared you are, the better set boundaries around Baby talk. You don't have to hold anyone's baby just because you do not have to.

Even if they want you to, and if they think it'd be good for you, you don't. You can get out of conversations about sleep training or first words, just saying, I'm working through some stuff right now and I'm just gonna go sit outside for a bit.

Remember that their joy doesn't diminish your baby's importance. Remember that, that their joy doesn't diminish your baby's importance. Someone else who has a baby doesn't make your baby matter less just because they got to live. And your grief is really valid. Even when it's surrounded by happiness. You can hold space for both their celebration and your sorrow.

Both emotions can be present all the time and just give yourself grace afterwards. Don't beat yourself up about what you said or did, or what you meant, or wish you'd done none of that.

Stop if you snapped at someone or you cried in front of someone. Do not apologize. Do not apologize. You were doing the best you can in a situation that no one wants to be in. So just talk about it. Let it out. Keep going, talk about it. Let it out. Keep going. The jealousy you're feeling is not wrong. It's your, it's just, it's just a reaction.

And you just notice it and you keep going. It's really normal. You can, you can still feel bitter and you're a good person. You can skip events and still love your family and your friends, and if you're really struggling to find your footing this season. I would love to invite you to my free workshop. The next one is happening on December 18th.

We're gonna talk about how to rebuild hope, trust yourself again, and really create a future that honors your baby.


the Workshop is called Practical Ways to Release Skill and Navigate Grief After Your Pregnancy Loss. And I'm gonna teach you all about how to release that guilt so that you can honor the baby. The way you want to and start feeling better about your life.

You can sign up@navigatingbabyloss.com slash workshop. It's completely free and I would love to see you there, , anger, resentment, joy, hope

because I am committed to getting you through this holiday season as best I can. Even in the midst of your jealousy, anger, resentment, hope, joy, and dreams of your amazing future, I will see you next week.