120: The Hidden Cost of Faking You're Okay

We say "I'm fine" because it feels easier than explaining the truth. But what happens when you're not okay—and you keep pretending that you are? In this episode, I’m talking about what it really costs us when we hide our pain, especially around the holidays, and how we can start being more honest about what grief really looks like.

I share my own Thanksgiving story after losing my daughters and the moment I realized I was shortchanging my grief by trying to make everyone else comfortable. If you’re tired of putting on a brave face, this episode will help you feel seen and remind you that it’s okay to stop performing.

We talk about the disconnect between what people see and what you’re actually going through. The exhaustion of keeping it together. The fear of what might happen if you actually tell the truth. And why being honest about where you are is not only okay—but necessary.

What You'll Hear in This Episode:

• What pretending to be fine actually costs you
• Why people believe you're "doing better"
• How grief shows up behind closed doors
• The fear of judgment, breakdowns, and being seen as weak
• Why it's not your job to make everyone else comfortable
• How to start being more honest, even if it feels scary
• What happened when I finally shared how I really felt
• A gentle invitation to stop performing and let people in

Resources Mentioned:

• Join the Always Loved Club: https://navigatingbabyloss.com/club

https://navigatingbabyloss.com/workshop

Free workshop for moms grieving stillbirth or pregnancy loss. Learn simple, trauma-informed practices to release guilt, calm the what-ifs, and honor your baby's memory with love instead of pain. Includes bonus Grief & Guilt Release Journal.

Download my FREE "Guilt and Grief Release Journal" at navigatingbabyloss.com/journal

WHERE TO FIND AND FOLLOW ME!

• Website-  https://www.jennifersenn.com
• Tik Tok-https://www.tiktok.com/@navigatingbabyloss
• Instagram-https://www.instagram.com/navigatingbabyloss/
• You Tube-https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCz-2MCEY5PRiF6p6VB_2lxA

Transcript

Hello and welcome to Navigating Baby Loss. I'm Jennifer Senn. Today I wanna talk to you about what happens when you say that you. Look fine or that you're doing. What happens when you say that you're doing fine, when you're really not? What are, what does it actually look like to other people? And where are you shortchanging yourself and maybe even dishonoring your baby?

I love this topic and I thought it was an important one to talk about because the holidays are coming up and this is the time when we pretend we do a lot of pretending. Like everything is fine, we're doing better.

We want everyone to look at us and see that we're okay. But you find yourself laughing at a party or at a dinner. Then you go in the bathroom and you cry because you feel guilty for laughing or because you just wanna be anywhere. But right here, right now, if this is you, I want you to know that you're not alone.

I see you. And what I'm talking about overall today is the grief that no one sees. How exhausting it is to pretend that you're okay and while there is a desire that you want to be okay, what if you were just more honest, how would that feel? What would happen with the people around you and what does that mean for honoring your baby?

So my own personal story, so my own experience with this is that I gave birth to my twins who were stillborn at 32 weeks on November 5th. Within two and a half weeks, I was sitting at a dining room table at my mother-in-law's house and desperately trying to pretend I was normal, desperately trying to pretend I was okay and that everything was fine and.

I was so exhausted at the end of that, and so angry with myself and felt so hurt by everyone in my life because I felt like no one else remembered this. This was just me do on this island all by myself. No one else. Everyone else acted like nothing had ever happened, and what I realized looking back is that.

That was because I made it that way. I was the one who was pretending to be okay, and they were very happy to go along with it because no one wants to be in an uncomfortable room with a grieving mom. And so, because I made it that way, they went along with it, of course, and everyone just pretended. Like everything was okay.

No one wanted to talk about what had happened because. It might make me not okay. And what they didn't know was that underneath the surface I was in so much pain. I couldn't even believe that I was sitting here with my family who said they cared about me and no one. Even thought to bring up my baby's names or do anything special.

And so I wanna help you through a little bit of that today, and maybe you can make your Thanksgiving dinner a little bit different if this is you right now.

So I wanna talk really about, so the first thing is this disconnect of what we're saying versus what we're feeling, and it looks like. You're, you're getting dressed in the morning or getting dressed for an event and you're crying and you're, but you're trying desperately to stop the crying to stop because you've got to put on this face

or you cried all the way there and you just were sucking it in, trying to get yourself together before you walked into work. Or a party or just even someone's house for a visit.

So I wanna talk first about the disconnect. Between what people are seeing and what they're hearing from you and. What they're seeing versus what's really happening are they're seeing you going to work. They're seeing you go make dinner, they're seeing that you're responding to texts, and so they think, oh, well, she's really doing great.

She seems to be moving on. Everything seems to be fine. What they don't see is when you're getting dressed and you're crying in the mirror and you're crying all the way to work and sitting in your car and choking it back, trying to dry up enough to get into work without looking like you've been crying for 45 minutes, you make dinner.

Like a robot, you just feel like everything you do is just robotic because your brain is constantly chattering and, and you're in such a brain fog that you really can't focus, you're not sleeping at night because who can sleep at night after this mornings, you, you can't stand the thought of getting out of bed, but you force yourself and once you get in the shower, you cry again.

And after a while. But people aren't seeing any of that. And that's the thing is after a while people stop asking people stop being concerned. They are assuming that you're okay. They're looking at you, and the parts that they see of you, you look fine because they're not seeing any of this behind the scenes.

Then you feel the pressure to keep it up. You feel the pressure to keep looking this certain way because you don't wanna be a burden.

We don't wanna be a burden to our family. We don't wanna make our friends uncomfortable. We don't wanna be the one that's, you know. We don't wanna be the one in our relationship that is still grieving while the other one may have appeared to move on.

And it just feels easier to do this by ourselves because we can do, we can have all these thoughts all to ourselves.

The second reason is that you wanna really prove that you're strong. It's amazing. People keep telling you how remarkable you are and you start to believe it. Like, maybe I really am. May I, I really understand that this is not something that just the average person can go about with Grace. So maybe I am really strong and I, I guess I need to take on that persona because everyone keeps telling me this.

You may be worried too, that if you're still struggling several months later, that it signals to people that you're not doing well, that you need professional help. You're dwelling on this. So we work really hard to show that we have it all together while meanwhile, you're barely surviving inside.

But if you stop pretending that you're okay, even if you're not, people will judge you. People will let you know that you should be over it by now.

Or a fear that what if I start crying and I never stop? At least if I can pretend to hold it together. It gives me a little sense of control. All of these reasons make sense of why we do what we do. These are all the reasons that we, someone, when someone asks us how we're doing, we say, I'm doing okay. I'm getting by.

I'm taking it day by day, even though we could be the farthest thing from the truth. But pretending this doesn't protect anyone, it doesn't help you. It doesn't make help them feel at ease. It just makes you feel more alone, and it makes the isolation even farther.

So here's how you'll know if you've gone too far with pretending that you're okay. You are exhausted. It takes so much energy to operate this way If this is not your truth, exhaustion compounds over time.

It takes so much energy

to act normal When you wanna just scream, it increases your isolation. People think that you're fine. They withdraw, they leave you alone. You end up feeling resentful because they're leaving you alone and they're not asking or caring,. And then you start to disconnect from yourself and you think there must be something wrong with me.

I, there must be something wrong with me. I don't even know who I am anymore. I just am. I just don't even know what I need.

So this is when you say you're doing fine, this is actually what happens.

It's like when you go walk through the grocery store and then you go to the car and you cry, or you smile when your coworker announces their pregnancy. But then you go to the bathroom and your stomach is just sick. It is when

you're laughing, but then immediately feel guilty

and then it's, it's scared that if you're feeling these hard feelings, it means that you're never going to get it back together. You're never gonna get back to any sense of normalcy . It's compartmentalizing it, pushing it down, and saving for when you have that breakdown in the car, in the shower at night.

If this is you, I want you to know you're not alone and you're not doing it wrong. You're doing the best you can in this impossible situation. So here's where I wanna give you permission to stop performing. Stop putting on this act for other people. It's okay for you to be honest about how you feel.



I am not saying you have to be raw and open and fall down crying when it doesn't feel right for you.

I am saying just let yourself be truthful about where you are and know that every day, every hour of every day can be different, feels different from the last, and your grief will go up and down and up and down continuously. So what will happen when you stop pretending and when you start, when you start being truthful, is that some people will be uncomfortable.

You may lose friends, but the right people will show up. The right people will lean in. They'll hold the space for you. They will be willing to listen and support you exactly where you are. That's the beauty of it. So here's my recommendations. Just start small. When the next person asks you how you really feel, and it's someone that you trust and feel safe with, tell them the truth. Honestly, I'm really struggling today. Today's a really hard day. See what happens when you let someone else in. You don't have to talk about it if you're not ready, but stop saying you're fine.

If you're really not. You can say, I'm not ready to talk about it today, but I'm, I'm just not feeling great, or, today's a really hard day, so I just need some space. If it's someone that you don't wanna share it with, it's fine. Ask for what you need from the people that care about you and do wanna help you.

I need you to check in even when I seem okay. I need you to sit with me.

Find your people, gather your group. Join the Always Loved Club. It's an amazing group where we get together and share because, and talk the language that only other lost moms can understand. Be gentle with yourself. It takes time. You've been acting this out probably for quite a while. It will feel really scary to stop.

It'll be very scary to stop and share your real feelings, but celebrate where it feels honest and notice how it feels in your body. Notice the relief that it brings when you're honest about how you truly feel.

So after my Thanksgiving fiasco, I did tell my sister how I felt, and she had some early miscarriages and she totally understood and made me feel and, and she was very honest and said. But you look like you're doing so great and you're so strong, and I know that I am. I know that I was, but it didn't feel that way.

What it felt like was just. Really hard, and so share that with someone, even if it's after the fact. Even if you've already done your pretending, go back and share that with someone about how you really felt at that moment, because I promise they don't see what's going on inside and letting them know is just.

Offering them an opportunity to learn from it too, because I think there is a little piece of us that needs to educate the world about how to treat grieving people because we just don't know.

So I want you to know I'm here for you. Try on a different approach this holiday season as we are getting ready to go into all the holidays and be with people that we haven't seen and know that I am here for you. I would love to welcome you into my always loved club or,

and that I, I would love to welcome you into my always loved club if you feel like the time is right for you. Until next time, I am thinking of you and I am here for you to help you navigate your baby loss.