Navigating Baby Loss

116: Breaking the Silence Around Stillbirth Guilt

• Jennifer Senn • Episode 116

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Have you ever felt guilty… and couldn’t even explain why? That quiet heaviness in your chest, the weight behind your shoulders, the phrases you’d never say out loud:

  • “I should’ve known…”
  • “My body failed.”
  • “What if I had done something differently?”

In this episode, I’m peeling back the layers of the silent, suffocating guilt that so many stillbirth moms carry. Not the kind of guilt you can rationalize or even name out loud — but the emotional kind that sneaks in during the quiet moments, especially when the world has moved on but you haven’t.

This episode is for the mom who blames herself even though no one else is pointing fingers.
 It’s for the mom who punishes her body, replays every moment, and feels ashamed just for laughing again.
 It’s for you — if you’ve ever wondered whether peace is possible without forgetting your baby.

Let’s talk about the guilt that lives in your bones… and how you can begin to set it down.

In this episode, I’ll walk you through:

  • Why stillbirth guilt isn’t logical — and why it sticks around anyway
  • What emotional guilt does to your body, your mind, and your relationships
  • The 5 types of guilt stillbirth moms silently carry
  • Why joy, laughter, and even rest can trigger feelings of betrayal
  • How guilt hides behind “I should have known” or “What if…”
  • Practical ways to question guilt and speak truth to it
  • Rituals that connect you to your baby — instead of punishing yourself
  • The one truth every loss mom needs to hear today

Mentioned in this episode:


https://navigatingbabyloss.com/workshop

Free workshop for moms grieving stillbirth or pregnancy loss. Learn simple, trauma-informed practices to release guilt, calm the what-ifs, and honor your baby's memory with love instead of pain. Includes bonus Grief & Guilt Release Journal.


Did you know you can text me right from your podcast app? My podcast host has a new feature that allows you to send a message or ask a question and I will answer them in future episodes! (just an FYI- it's a one-way message so I won't be able to respond unless you leave your name and contact info in the message!) Look under the title where it says Send Jen a message and let me know what’s on your mind.

Download my FREE "Guilt and Grief Release Journal" at navigatingbabyloss.com/journal

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  Hello, it's Jen from Navigating Baby Loss, and today I wanna start off with a really simple question, have you ever felt guilty? But couldn't explain why. It feels like a weight, doesn't it? Like this heaviness that sits right behind your ribs, that makes your shoulders feel heavy like you're carrying something, but you don't even know why.

And even if you could find the words for it. You wouldn't know who you could even say that to. You wouldn't even wanna admit it would feel shameful. So how do you explain guilt that doesn't make logical sense even to you? And how would you tell someone about feeling the blame that you're carrying for something that wasn't your fault?

And so today we are talking about that kind of guilt, not any guilt, not, I said something I shouldn't have or I forgot an important appointment, or I forgot to respond to someone. We're talking about the silent guilt that comes, especially after stillbirth.

That guilt that settles into your bones, that type of guilt that makes you think of things that you'd never say anything out loud to someone, but there are phrases that you say, and it's guilt that you carry and tell yourself over and over things like, my body failed, or I should have known something was wrong. or if I had done this one thing differently, maybe my baby would still be here. And that guilt is so interesting because we were just with a friend who, I lost a good friend of mine a couple weeks ago, and we saw her husband for the first time and he mentioned how. If he would've made this one decision, if he would've taken her to this one extra doctor, she'd be sitting here right now.

And while you want to believe that, while you wanna feel like you have that kind of responsibility, no one knows for sure if that was true. my view of him is that he did everything he could. Everything and more to try to help her and extend her life as long as he did So these are the things that we tell ourselves and this kinda guilt has no words, but it just shows up. It just shows up when you look at yourself in the mirror or when you hear someone talk about their neighbor who just had a baby. It makes you just that feeling in your chest is, is engaged and you just feel it. So if you've ever felt that kinda guilt, this episode is for you I want you to just breathe deep with me right now because we're gonna talk about something that most of the world doesn't understand. But something that I see with almost every mom I work with after stillbirth.

And it's definitely something that plagued me for years, way too long that I, I really carried the guilt and I let that guilt manifest into all kinds of ways in my life and blame myself. So you're not alone in this I wanna talk to you about carrying the weight of guilt that you never asked for, this kind of guilt is real.

It's unlike anything you've ever experienced. 'cause it just doesn't live in your mind. It lives in your body and took a toll on my body. No one else can see this kind of guilt on you but it's there in the middle of the night when you lay down.

If you wake up in the night, it's in you in the shower. I do my best thinking in the shower. you just keep thinking, what if, what if, what if I would've done this? What if I would've noticed? What if I had gone to a different doctor? this kinda guilt is so hard.

It is because you didn't just lose your baby. you carried them. You grew them inside your body. You are the only one who felt them move. You talk to them, you plan their nursery. Maybe you had help from your partner, but. The mom has such a special connection with this baby.

Unlike any other person, and you're picking out their name, you're imagining their first smile. You're dreaming, and so when something goes wrong, terribly wrong, as we know when you're leaving that hospital. Without your baby, your mind doesn't just say to you nicely, oh, this was a tragedy that happened to you.

Your mind says this was your fault. You were supposed to protect them, and you didn't. I remember working with a mom who told me, Jen, it's like my brain has become a detective I think about it every minute, every doctor's appointment, every ounce of food I ate, every time I lifted something.

Every night. I woke up on my back and stood on my side. I remember that. I remember feeling that self too. She said she's analyzing herself, like she's trying to solve some sort of a crime. And it's so sad because we do this to ourselves. No one else is blaming us for this, just ourselves. she wasn't just grieving, which she certainly was, she was also prosecuting herself in the process. So are you doing that are you saying things to yourself in the mirror that you would never say to another human being? Are you Googling things at 2:00 AM wondering, oh, I wonder if this was it. I bet it was that one thing that I eat. Are you looking up your medical records? Searching for the moment that you could have done something to change this outcome? I did it too, and I kept myself in it because I thought that's how I was going to honor my babies.

But this guilt is too heavy and it's exhausting, and it's not meant to be carried forever or really at all. here's something that most people don't realize and it's really important for you to understand. stillbirth guilt is not logical. Guilt, it's emotional guilt. understanding it can be life changing, honestly.

Logical guilt is when you do something wrong and feel bad about it, you lie to your friend, you feel guilty, you break a promise, you feel guilty. You accidentally walk out of the store with something in the top of your cart you feel guilty, That type of guilt matches the action and usually motivates you to do better next time.

Emotional guilt is different. Emotional guilt is when something horrible happens and your brain. assigns blame to yourself even though you did nothing wrong. It's your mind trying to make sense of something that makes no sense at all. Even if that reason is blaming you. it feels like there's some control, like, well, that's why. Somehow it makes you feel better, and if it was something you did or didn't do, then theoretically you could prevent it from happening next time. But then I challenge you to get pregnant again because if you've ever been pregnant after loss, you realize that.

It doesn't matter whose fault it was. It's scary. It still is there. That guilt still is there and, that's when you realize that it was not your fault. There was nothing you could have done. Terrible things happen. There's no reason, and it's hard. It's hard to accept that 'cause we as humans love a good reason and accept that the world is unpredictable and sometimes scary and that bad things can happen to good people who do everything right and live in fear. Then your guilt isn't logical. It's your brain's desperate attempt to create order out of chaos, to find meaning in things that don't have meaning, and you're just trying to regain control. And for people like me who are type A, yeah, that's what we want. We wanna regain control, we wanna find reasons, we wanna put a label on everything.

But we don't live in that world, and we also live in a world that doesn't talk about stillbirth, especially not the gut wrenching guilt that comes with it. Most people, Carry this alone and silent because if we told people how we felt or that we blamed ourselves, and I did with my husband, I did with my mother. I did with my friend. And everyone's very quick to come to the defense of just, no, no, no. Of course it wasn't your fault. Stop blaming yourself. But no one could tell me that because I did blame myself. I knew it was my fault somehow, and it made me ashamed of it. so, I kept it to myself. So let's talk about what this guilt actually looks like, because it shows up in different ways, and I want you to know that however yours might look, you are not alone because it is. Very common. So the first one is the what if guilt. What if I had gone to the doctor one day sooner? What if I hadn't taken that business trip?

What if I pushed my doctor for more tests? What if I had rested more? exercised less, or eaten something different? Those are the what ifs. All of the things that if you just had made a different decision and taken control, everything would've been different. You would've had your baby with you.

The second kind is the, I should have known guilt. Why didn't I feel that something was wrong? The baby stopped moving, but I just made excuses for it. That was me. Other moms talk about instincts. Why? Where were mine? Mine were missing. Other moms seemed to know things instinctively, and I didn't.

I should have seen a specialist. I had no business going to the doctor that I was going to. I should have seen a specialist, or I should have trusted my gut when things fell off. Instead, I just brushed over it 'cause I didn't wanna believe it and have it be true, and I should have trusted my gut. There's the body betrayal, guilt, which is my body failed at the one thing it was supposed to do, or I couldn't keep my baby safe. Other women. Insert your habits. Smoke cigarettes, do drugs, drink alcohol excessively while they're pregnant, and they have babies that seem to be healthy. Why? Why can't I?

What's wrong with me? And then there's the lifestyle guilt. Maybe I worked too much. Maybe I was under too much stress. Why did I think I could move out of an apartment into a house when I was pregnant? It was too stressful. Maybe that glass of wine I had before I knew I was pregnant, that's what did it.

Maybe I shouldn't have lifted that box. Maybe I should have eaten more protein. this type of guilt is. Probably the hardest. Maybe I wasn't meant to be a mom. Maybe this is the universe telling me I wouldn't have been good at it anyways. So if you've ever thought that that's grief talking, that's not truth.

That's trauma talking. It's not the truth. You were meant to be your baby's mom. You are your baby's mom, and the fact that your baby's life was way shorter than you planned doesn't change that fact. It doesn't make you less of a mother, and it doesn't mean that you failed in any way. So here's another kind of guilt that seems unsuspecting, You watch a funny movie and you laugh at a joke and you immediately think, oh. What is going on? What am I doing? How can I be laughing when my baby is gone? you're having a good day.

Maybe you don't cry. Maybe you're actually engaging in a conversation with a friend, and then that comes in. You feel guilty for not being sad, for letting your mind off of this for just a minute. You find yourself excited about something, a new job or a friend has news You got your offer on the house, got accepted, and, you're moving into your dream home, and then you crash with guilt because your excitement feels like betrayal. this is what psychologists call survivor's guilt. It's so common after loss, but it's not real. Moving forward with your life is never moving away from your baby. You are allowed to feel all of it. You can definitely hold two emotions at once. You can always hold grief and joy. You can always hold sadness with happiness. you can do it, and you do it more than you think. But when it comes to baby loss, you're feeling the responsibility, you're feeling the weight of the guilt, and you are punishing yourself. Your baby doesn't need you to suffer. Suffering is optional. Your suffering doesn't honor them. What does honor them is for you to live and bring them with you. Bring this experience with you and honor it. Don't try to stuff it away and forget it. After I lost my twin daughters, I remember I was in front of the mirror looking at my body and feeling so furious, Why didn't I do more to protect them? Why didn't I know something was wrong? What kind of a mother? Can't even keep your babies safe inside your own body.

It's scary enough to think about keeping them safe when they're out of your body and the feeding and the changing and the terrible things that can go wrong once they're in this world. But to not even have a chance at that, I really felt guilty. I felt like my body betrayed me and I was gonna punish it.

So it took me a long time and a lot of help to realize my body was taking the brunt of this punishment I was giving it, but it didn't deserve it. It was healing from trauma, and it had done everything it could to bring my babies here safely, but for whatever reason, it didn't happen. by me talking poorly to it and talking down and, and not taking care of it. Was really turned into my enemy and I ended up having a hysterectomy at 40. I had to have bowel reconstruction surgery, and I really believe it was from holding all that grief in there, just holding all that grief and hatred for myself.

So this journey isn't easy. It's not quick. But it is necessary. The ripple effects of unprocessed grief are huge, and I see this over and over as I work with moms After Stillbirth, the unprocessed grief spreads. If you don't take the time to sit with your grief, to work through it, to do the writing, to do the crying, to do the talking, whatever it is that you need to do, it just spreads like a cancer, and it affects everything.

It affects your relationship with your partner. how can you be intimate with someone when you hate your body? How can you believe you deserve love? When you feel like you've failed at the most fundamental level, it affects your relationship with other people's children. Every baby you see becomes a reminder of what your body couldn't do.

Every pregnancy announcement feels like someone else getting what you couldn't keep. It affects your relationship with yourself. You stop trusting your instincts. You second guess every decision. You live in a constant state of fear trying to control everything because you believe that if you just try hard enough, you can prevent bad things from happening again. it affects your relationship with the possibility of future children. Some moms become so terrified of their body failing again, that they don't even consider getting pregnant. Others become pregnant again, but spend months in terror, unable to bond with their baby because they're so afraid of losing them too.

It took me a little extra time to bond with my rainbow baby because. I had to realize that she was here to stay and I didn't have to protect myself. you have to address guilt, not because it's wrong to feel it, it's there and it serves a purpose, but it, the, the best thing you can do is counteract. it's understandable that it's there, but it slowly poisons every good thing in your life. So how do you get rid of it? this is my specialty. This is what I am really good at helping people do, because it was my biggest struggle and I had to learn. Every which way around it to get to the middle of it.

So how do you set down that weight that you've been carrying so long? here's some things that I think make it a little bit easier. name it out. I am feeling guilty because. Whatever. And sometimes when you say it out loud, you realize that's ridiculous. That's not true. Why would you think that? Or, even if it's, I feel guilty that I didn't know something was wrong, I can always counteract that with something like, well, I did the best I could.

I didn't wanna believe that something was wrong. There was nothing I could have done anyways. I feel guilty that my body couldn't keep my baby safe. I counteract that with, I know my body did everything it could, it just wasn't meant to happen. I feel guilty that I'm having a good day and what's wrong with that?

You deserve a good day. So even if it feels messy and irrational, just say it, say it out loud, write it down, whatever we name usually is a great place to start to begin looking at things, healing things, working through it. The second thing is to question, question the guilt pretend like you're talking to your dear, a great friend, and say like, is this really my fault?

Are there any, is there any proof that I caused this? Would I say this to another mom who lost her baby the same way? Would you look at another woman who lost her baby at 32 weeks and say, well, you should have known something was wrong. Would you tell another mom that her body failed her because she had a stillbirth?

Of course she wouldn't. You'd be horrified if someone said that to someone you cared about. So why do you say it to yourself? The third thing is talk to yourself with compassion. Instead of blaming your body, try thanking it. Try seeing it as another person who is grieving, another being who is grieving this baby. You might say, thank you for the experience of carrying this baby as long as you could. Thank you for doing what you could to get them as far as you did, or even just, I'm learning to trust you. Your body didn't betray you. to keep rituals of connection instead of punishment. So writing a letter to your baby about how much you love them, saying their name out loud, I worked with a mom who, I worked with a mom who lost her son at 38 weeks, and she was so consumed with guilt. She could barely function It was really rooted in guilt. through our work together, we started very slowly replacing those guilt statements with truth statements, which is something I teach a lot to my clients. You'll never stop missing them. you'll never.

Forget this period of your life. but I promise you, you won't want to. This is a piece of you and you do carry them with you forever. And when you stop spending all of your energy on guilt, and instead spend it on remembering and honoring, it allows you to have room For those other things in your life. I see all the time moms who are afraid to let go of guilt because they think it means they're letting go of their baby, You can miss your baby and still find moments of peace and happiness. So I really wanna encourage you to speak gently to yourself. Try it today. Catch yourself. In a negative spiral, something that's making you feel guilty blaming yourself what is true about that? Is it your fault? how could you speak to yourself differently? If you heard your friend blaming herself what would you say to her? try that out today because I think that would be huge. I'm doing a series on TikTok. It's actually all of social media.

I'm on social media at navigating Baby Loss, breaking the silence of stillbirth guilt. every day I'm doing a video about a topic that. Relates to guilt and how to break it different ways to think about different. Points of guilt that is so common. check it out there and remember you are invited anytime to my always loved club because this is where we come together.

Stillbirth moms and get real support and dive into the topics that no one else is willing to talk about it will really help teach you how to integrate your baby's life into your life because they're never going away.

You're never gonna be without them. And that's the blessing. And then we also move into like, how do you create your life moving forward? How do you move forward without moving on? I really can teach you how to Live and love your life again. So definitely check that out.

It's just $47 a month. for a little over $11 a week, you can have weekly support with other moms just like you. And so check that out@programs.jennifersend.com slash club that, put all the info in the show notes so you don't have to carry this alone anymore. this is the only lost membership for moms that I've found that is this hands-on and this supportive I would love to see you in there.

I'm so proud of you for being here, and I'm proud of you for listening and for still trying to navigate your way through your baby loss. I'll see you next week.

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Jennifer Senn

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